It’s never too late

Back in August when I was in Moncton, I watched a special on people with phobias. I remember laughing and trying to comprehend how a woman was unable to cross over a specific bridge in her car without having a complete panic attack. I also remember one man saying he refused to go out of his comfort zone because he didn’t feel like having a panic attack that day. We’ve all seen these specials. People on Maury who are petrified of mustard or lint or whatever. It was always amusing to me. Until I realized how genuinely terrified these people were. It’s hard as an outsider to ever understand what someone is going through unless we go through it ourselves. I will never again laugh at someone when they appear to be petrified of something. In their reality it’s something serious.

I’m beyond frustrated right now. It feels like over the last month this has gotten worse to the point where my fears overwhelm me when I step outside. Even when I’m at home I feel hopeless. I’m a very strong person by nature. I’m also a VERY independent person by nature. I don’t enjoy having to rely on others when I can do things by myself. I’m someone who hates sitting on their ass for more than 24 hours because I’ll go insane. So feeling as though I can’t go out is making me lose my mind. I’m also tired of dragging down the people I love. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I want to be.

I want to be able to hop onto a bus and do a last minute interview downtown. I want to go work an 8 hour shift without being worried. I want to stop being such a fucking Debbie Downer. I’ve had it today. Yes these symptoms are scary, especially when I’m by myself but I’d rather have them in public and look crazy than sit on my ass at home and stare at a wall. It’s not who I am. Today I’m getting my life together again. I was sitting down here feeling sorry for myself when I just had it. I got up and grabbed a book and walked 5 minute down the street to a bench overlooking the water. I sat there for almost 20 minutes. To most people(including myself for almost 21 years) this is nothing. For someone who’s been petrified to be alone for 2 weeks now..that’s an accomplishment that I’m going to check off in my mind.

Fuck you anxiety. I’m not going to lose who I am over you.

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